Murmurs

This is it. There will be no turning back.
"Are you sure?" I slap myself. Hard.
I don't have time for this, I told her.
We've been over this before.
Exhausted.
How many more victims does it take for her to understand.

You are the predator.

She's scared.
Let's just go while we can, I whispered.

I can't breathe.

I chug at my cherry coke. Bitter yet enticing.
I can feel the cherries dance. Merry.
Reminds me of 5th grade in Baridhara.
The district.
We were carefree and beautiful then. Well, back then. I was only one.
Something along the way made me split and lose sense of staying in unity with myself.

She's scared.
It was her that stunted our escape. Her being soft and kind makes me sick.
I hope she realizes how fake she comes across to be.
I hope she realizes that nobody remembers a hero.

This would make it better.
This would solve everything.
All we need now, is a firecracker.
A bright sparkle that would die off once the moment is over.
We could escape in the middle of all the excitement.
I have a friend who could supply us with some.

I'm sick of living like this, in shadows. Carrying around big secrets that no one dares keep.
I need to find a new path, a better way of living.
The man with the firecracker taunts me, "You are only 24 once and those days are never coming back..."
Shut up already.
How many times must this sick episode repeat itself.

But she is still scared.

TwentyFour on the 24th

I'm a solid 24 now. Countless mistakes, resolution and even more empty promises made. How will I change as the numbers accumulate? I often wonder.

I've decided that the only way to go is to look forward. I should stop thinking about what others think of me, and if it mattered that much I should care more for what my Creator thinks of me. Relevation. I need to learn to be more kind to people. Not everybody is as I want them to think, react, or believe. I want to be around those who love me. Love has always been a problematic area of my life. I came to realize that its not them, it is usually me. I've made amends with someone from my past, I think. I am happy for that.

Who am I today, and what have I achieved?

I am an engineer, still on the road to discovery of the world in full bloom.

I am a daughter, away from my family, in search of what I can claim as mine.

I am human, still in need of your companionship to keep me sane.

I am a lover, learning to love, like you and for all that,

I have You to be thankful to.

Syukur. Alhamdulillah.

***

Thank you to those who dropped a note and made this day a truly wonderful day to remember. Danke.

Week #5 : Santa & The Project

OTS CTS 019915 + Carl

Not really in the mood to update. But Week #5 was reservoir engineering week. We had Carl come all the way from the states to teach us. He had a thing for geologists. As would all Reservoir Engineers/Production Engineers do I suppose. He is just so funny. And he knows he looks like santa. How cool is that. Cuts away all the guilt from calling him santa in our ym messages!

Loitering the hallways in between presentations,

posed with Andre, Thomas and cutesy May.

Then came the BIG day. Our project 1 presentation. Obviously all the groups procrastinated till the very end and resulted in everyone not getting enough sleep. Every group took 30 minutes to present and then the class had to leave and the presenting group were grilled by our instructor(s). It was ok, they say the 1st one is always the hardest. Scared shit to face the remaining 2 projects.

Felix catching up on his sleep at our place.

During RE week, Dr. Xin is presenting their group's findings from PIPESIM.

Snapshot of our brainstorming session (pic with Azwan). Over at our place in Gabriel Cresent.

One of our old classes. We stayed here for 2 days, classroom 14.

Week #6 we learnt cementing and bla bla bla.. we played SIX rounds of friggin PAINTBALL!!

Infinite Melancholy Sadness

I'm not sure if the title came from a song or it is original. But someone gave me a writing with this as the title. To that someone. Sometimes I miss you. And when I do, everything seems to lose its meaning and my world definitely crumble into pieces.

I just finished taking my test. I am having my period. Is that the main reason to why I am being emotional lately? Or is it his unjust timing of leaving me once in a while that is to blame. Whatever it is. This is super suckkyy.

Losing too is still ours; and even forgetting

still has a shape in the kingdom of transformation.

When something’s let go of, it circles; and though we are

rarely the center of the circle, it draws around us its unbroken, marvelous

curve.

Week 4: The Socializing Thinker

Week 4 we did some fun stuff in class. Basically anything that is deviated from the presentation would be considered fun. The most important thing that I have discovered is the diversity of the class and the world per se. I've made wonderful bonds with the kids in my class, and it is for keeps! Oh and by the way, we always knock our socks off with taking pictures on Saturday afternoons. Its basically the only time in the week we get to be out in the sun if we are not doing practicals outside.

There are so many different types of people and I hate to generalize people into classes or groups. But it is safe to say that we can see how people of different cultures act and react to certain situation.

Anyways we did an online personality test in class and I came out to be the Socializing Thinker. Wadehel. Sounds like some topnotch job as a PR for a company while entertaining potential clients with cocktails and a game of golf. Ngaha. I am sooo in the wrong field! Too late for that. The Socializing Thinker will obtain the colors of green (thinker) and yellow (social butterfly). Thomas' is red (directive) and green ( thinker) = mastermind! Wa wa wa.

Oh and notice the paper bags on our desks? Saturday lunch = shitty lunch. We get cold sandwiches (which most of the time I can't eat since its not halal), chips and coke. Sebu perut aku. Boleh kene saman ke a tulis mcm ni?

No matter where you come from, you are always proud of your roots and origin. It is just that not everybody feels strongly to express it, as a respect to others around them. I think I value that the most about being Asian. Respect is key, and perhaps key to world peace? (apekahhh). I miss my pcs days. Here to end the entry are my class's back street boys.

Fogul not vojel

It was an odd moment for me. To appreciate the formulas that kept on making their appearance on the slides. I knew them. I knew how much pain they put me through. And I acknowledged them for being there to make me more of an engineer. It sounds so cheesy but I felt that the 2nd acquaintance was much more personal.

As if the formulas themselves said to me, hey its that girl again. Haha.

That is why I have not felt sleepy all throughout this week. We are learning the basics of reservoir engineering and some petroleum exploration.

I could understand the remorse my friends were expressing. Imagine what they are going through. What I learnt in a year was squashed into 4 days of slide shows. It was when we reached the equation for production in a gas and oil reservoir that I couldn't help but laugh.

Fogul he says, Fogul. And all I could register was how just a year ago my friends and I were referring it as the Vojel's equation, pleased and content with ourselves.

Week 3. Pumping Practicals!

CPS-1 the pump.

Week #3 was the practical week. One whole week of blissful outdoors. No homeworks, definitely no slides presentations, no memorizing, just me and the noisy units. After being in confined classrooms where the temperature can be adjusted, I shocked myself silly with the cold wind. Hah! Kate dok UK.

Me and May. Sejuk bakk.

We were taught the basics of pump operation and within a week's time we were tested on priming a pump, pressure testing a line and basic pumping procedures. It was bloody cold and we couldn't fit enough sweaters underneath our slim coveralls without bursting the darn thing so we got ourselves the raincoat to save our skinny bones from the harsh wind. We took some breaks in between rigging up and pumping and this was one of our most favourite vending machine area.

My group L-R: Sahalah, Malik, Thomas, Leila and Xin Yu.

Bleed off line and Wellhead Valve. Haha. These arm signals were used during the pumping practical. Anyways, in a yummy nutshell we all passed the practicals, and the following monday we had a quiz online. I passed em all. Syukur.

I went out on Sunday with Azwan and went gift hunting. I practically finished 80 pounds!! Shitness. Haha. Self pamper just to get over the stress. More in episode 4!!

'S' in class

This week has proven to be the hardest week by far. The hardest week to stay awake! I have a few things I do just to curb falling asleep or when I realize I have been yawning way too much in front of the course instructor. Damn! Dah la duduk tgh2 kelas, best view of the screen konon.

Some things I do when I am curbing the big 'S'. Haha. Nakal seh.

1. Apply lip balm, like reallll slow so I wake up doing it. Fat chance la kan.

2. Apply hand cream. Then I will realize how rough the skin around my nails are and then I look at fingers and then I think about erm.. other things that relate to fingers. *hint hint* tgn kiri eh?

3. Cut my finger nails. This one is actually fun. Try to cut your nails in a meeting and try not to give away yourself in the dead silence. Oh and try not to bend your head downwards or else the speaker will think you are sleeping - who me??

These moments bring me way back to school years, how I'd sleep during reccess, skip lunch to get extra nap time. In uni it was more fun. Skip the whole darn lecture for sleep. Haha. Its so different when you are grown up now.

Like, how the other day during a session on coil tubing management I found myself getting cross eyed and and falling asleep right when the speaker was looking at me. Nice one. Haha.

Puisi Dia

"Babak penantian
menguji

kesetiaan..

Sejauh mana cinta?

Aku tak mungkin..

kalis pilu,

Aku tak mungkin..

kalis rindu.

Aku semakin,
pendam rindu
Makin tebal,
cintaku.

Kau ku rindu..
seiring,
hebusan nafasku."

***

In loving memory of someone I did not have the chance to meet but could still feel the presence of his love.