Mika's Meatballs

A staple snack for Mika almost every other week. I change between meatballs and a baked potato gratin of sorts. He has it as a snack, along with his box of fruits and main course. He is into more harder foods now and detests bananas or gooey gunk.

Makes about 50pcs depending on how small you roll them.

1 packet of minced beef (700gm)

1 clove garlic, crushed

Spring onion, chopped

Mushroom, chopped (I opt for white button or portobello)

1/4 cup of carb : couscous or boiled potatoes, mashed

1 egg

1 tbsp cornstarch

1 tablespoon worcesteir sauce (Lea Perrins) 

Pinch of :

Cumin

Paprika

Pepper

Salt (more than a pinch cause its a lot of beef to season)

Yogurt Dip

Yogurt - I opt for greek now

1 clove of crushed garlic

Chives or spring onion - chopped finely

Or, regular holland onion - chopped finely

Lemon zest

Squeeze of lemon juice

Salt & Pepper to taste

Mash all of the above between your fingers for maximum pleasure (lol sgt) but I do believe it feels good and you get all of the ingredients mixed well. I usually roll out the baby meatballs on a tray so that the workspace is kept clean and easy to maneuver.

I've experimented with various types of carb for the meatballs : cornflakes, potatoes, rice (if I use rice its usually with cheese to make fish meatballs which are yummy and bit less dense).

The dip is my take on Greek/Arabic food. Love the contrast against the dark heady meatballs. Put them in a pita bread, or over salad, its quite yummy actually. 

Have fun and let me know how it went?

***

A nice break from the normal heavy shit I write, I know. Missed this too.

In slumber. Alone

The house is quiet now, air condition vents moving up and down. Sweep, you say. I can hear distant key cards tapping as cars exit from the guard house below. Faint taps and motorcycles down the road next to the apartment. The night sleeps still.

When was the last time I was grant peace, and the bed all to myself? It feels selfish now, to have so much space. Alone. My thoughts lay out in front of me, from my now green bed to the living, uninterrupted - by pleas, balls rolling, or any other demanding bursts of energy. I am in worldy heaven. Alone.

I let my mind wander, through the curtains, the windows. Sliding between the wet clouds and fluff. Floating.. Dangerously far from gravity. I may stay afloat forever, denying the pull.

I wish I could still talk to you sometimes, you know?

***

Let's just say that there is always a full moon shining down on me though I never ask.

Goodnight, Kuala Lumpur.

Bisik bisik bilik

Maaf, aku memang tak berapa reti nak bercerita dalam bahasa Melayu. Ayat-ayat aku mesti penuh dengan kesalahan tatabahasa apetah lagi penggunaan perkataan yang ikut sedap tekak aku je.. Ya, sudah lama aku tidak mengarang dalam bahasa. Ah buat apa aku nak cuba sekarang? Does my English bother you? Don't worry. You will get used to it, the way I've gotten used to you smoking everyday.. Eh, lucu tak tajuk hasil tulisan hari ni? It was supposed to be bedroom whispers. Direct translation always cracks me up big time. 

Glad to see you smile again, Kin.

My english teacher used to be my elocution coach (public speaking) and she was married to my bahasa teacher ( read : syair dan sajak, pengsan sekarang pee in your panties panic attack setiap kali bahasa 2 waktu). The kids would always act out scenes from their bedroom, conversations cum arguments they would have about how poor my bahasa was vs how I excel in English. Heck, I excused myself from Bahasa to practise my speeches! Super lol.

My bedroom is the only room in the house which kept its original white walls, tranquil and serene. Its my favourite spot to sit and think, read a book, arrange my perfumes after Mika has had enough fun out of them.. Recently its the place where I speak to my Maker. Betul orang kata, masa bahagia, dunia ini bagaikan sangat mencukupi. Dalam erti kata lain, tidak ada apa pun yang akan diminta dariNya. Atau, sudah jarang berdoa.. Meminta agar sesuatu yang indah itu kekal. Bila jatuh ke dunia, baru lah rasa sakit, luka, pilu. Di saat itu kemain lagi tunduk pandang ke lantai, tadah tangan dan memohon ampun, petunjuk dariNya, a quick fix? Kenapa manusia diciptakan sebagai pelupa dan harus menangis? Aku selalu terkenang lagu Dewa. Ayat tadi itu lirik Dewa ke? Maaf, rip off pulak.

What is really bothering you Kin? 

It will be in these white walls, I sit, sprawled over my romantic bed while I blog about my thoughts.. Safe from sang arjuna cinta (cause he was wired an ignoramus chap and thats okay).. Safe from judging friends..and if I close my eyes long enough, I can hear my thoughts echo..off the walls, still without an answer..

***

I am no celebrity or artiste, but I do wish to dedicate this post to all my silent readers..odd people reading 1-2 pages at a go, some even more. Whatever it is you were looking for, I hope you found it. Peace, some quirky writings..and a little bit about my humble self. Thank you! ( and no, I have no clue who you are..your secret is safe with me haha).

Black Sands and Dark Shadows

This sadness that fills me every morning, is it meant to be here, God? Did you put it here for a reason? If it serves me no purpose other than remorse and regret, please take it away from me. Hide it. Bury it. Make it inaccessible to my thoughts. I've apologized to those I wronged, and I devote my life to You, now. It's a bit late to realize, that everyone and everything I have is just borrowed to me. Mika, please stay a while longer?

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. It has made me a bit more light hearted about the heavy topic. I think it is fair if I go, for him to find another. For Mika to continue to be happy. I've disconnected myself from people I used to treasure and believe was only meant for me. Mine. Some one once told me this heart was not even ours to begin with. He colors it for us, and plants love as well as ideas for us to take and grow on our own. If I blame it on evil whispers, will it make me feel any better?

Pantai Sepat was dark and empty that evening. I was so happy it felt like it was our own private beach. The romance I feel each time I set foot on a strip of beach, it is hard to explain. I don't think that many people know this about me. Mika loves the sand, trodding up and down the shore, walking close to the waves and screaming every time the waves came close. The slurry of sand sliding between his toes make him ticklish. He squeals and squirms, squeezing my hand in excitement. Mama loves you, baby. Grow up strong, and I will be there when someone breaks your heart. But please don't laugh too much, you cry a lot during your sleep when you do. 

Coldplay's Scientist haunts me..the wishful thinking that I could do things all over again. Fix things. Realize. I never would have imagined to learn something the hard way. Never never. Never. I did think I knew it all. The great determined one, finally failing..finally falling..finally.

I saw you the other day. You had on a dark shirt and your walk was the same. You looked good.  Tight faced, not even a slight twitch in the mouth to smile - or frown? Neither one of us knew it would come to this. You walked right past me, and I held my breath. Not to give anything away.

If God wanted me to bury it, I better start digging a deep, deep hole. Would I be lucky if I fell into the hole? It would be ironic and funny, actually. He would not be the one to laugh, she said.

Swimmers Paradise

(14 March 2006)

My baby and me,

Went out for a dip,

Bursting with glee,

We knew it'd be a wonderful trip!

We became like dolphins,

Playful in each other's company,

Mermaids,

              deep in the depths of the sea

Like pirates,

              fighting off other thieves

And like

             bandits,

Charging one another,

With make believe bullets,

                                        of love.

Chew~ chew~ chew~

Tired of lapping,

We stopped to witness,

Something exciting,

Yet calming with stillness

It was the sun setting,

Oozing bronze and gold in between,

Tells the time left behind,

Shall never be seen..

And so..

             Let us,

Splash, swoosh,  swim!

Those days I didn't even look at the sky

Listening to Alanis Morissette's Jagged lil Pill on repeat now, what am I, 11? Reminds me of walking in the district of New Market, downtown Dhaka. I search for something, a sense of belonging. Kids were listening to 'What if god was one of us.' I was learning life through Sydney Sheldon (what a perv) and my best friend was a short Turkish boy by the name of Can Baysan. He gave me a Pulp Fiction soundtrack cassete tape for my 11th birthday. 

The year was 1995, I was in the 6th Grade with Mr. Lewis and my favourite subject was Social Studies. It was so easy for me to spot and name the location of the photos that would hang in the "Guess the Location" in Mr. Lewis's homeroom. I recall winning a few of them spot on. Most of the kids were like me, nomads with no preference to any race or language. A mixed tape.

I was a blank canvas, the worst I did was shave my legs (once!) because all the other girls were doing it daily and stole a 'Saved by the Bell : Make-up and beauty regime' book from the local library. 

I was naive, I had to read about menstruation from a book and wondered how my mom wore her pads that were like an inch thick which reminded me of soft bread. They had superglue on the bottom and it felt like you had a wad of newspaper stuck down there. Giggle.

Dad didn't let me wear shorts when I went around on my mountain bike around Dhaka. Gulshan to Baridhara, was a far trip but still enjoyable. I ate mangoes so savagely I must've been related to Mowgli. I wore longer pants and cheated with shorts during Phys. Ed. Track and field was a favourite. I finally found

something I was OK at. Summers were spent watching TV, sleeping like a log and eating mayo rich chicken sandwiches at the Canadian Club and swimming like a frog.

Never once did I look up to see the stars and wonder what tomorrow would bring. Is that the definition of carefree? Years later I listen to songs with the lyrics like 'These days the stars seem so out of reach'. How ironic. 

1995. You were good to me.

***

It was Father's Day yesterday. He requested for rice with nuggets. What a lucky bitch I am? Bet you suckers had to cook your asses off for the Man of your life. We don't celebrate it, but gifts, and hugs are welcome.

Those Eyes

Will you, ever ask yourself what you are made of?
Is it trust? A sense of leadership? What is it in you that keeps you going?

Let me tell you my main ingredient. It is my uncanny sense of determination.
Someone once labeled me the determined one. Don't you think that's a great trait to inherit?

I know what I want and when I want it. It doesn't mean that I did everything correctly. Or that I am proud of every single thing I did. I have had a few moments. Those deserving of being kept only in the dark, not even in writing. Just. Events. Faces. Feelings. Rain. 

Do you think it is a bad thing? To be so determined?  I do. I believe there is always a weakness if we search hard enough. I've come to realize I'm determined for something close to impossible. Maybe there will be a follow up entry but until then, you and I must both wait.

Will you be headstrong, unnerved by circumstances? Will you stand up for what you believe and execute till your last breath? Will your heart be broken? Pieces. I was a Pieces, did you know?

Mama was once also, a strong person. She still thinks she is.

***

The only reason we keep diaries is for the contents to be read, events remembered. Pray tell, whats the point of shift+delete, or throwing away good junk? The memories will be there forever, but humans..are meant to cry, and forget. So have a good cry - when no one is watching.

Lullaby

Sleep tight, baby boy,

Now don't make a sound,

Dream big, baby boy,

I will guard you now,

Grow up strong baby boy,

The waves might crash you down,

Be mine, baby boy,

We'll get through it somehow.

-2006

Infinite Bliss, like you said

It was a dry hot day and the sun was piercing through the empty sky. It was so hot even the clouds decided to quit their posts and run away to a hiding place. Away from the sun. We read the Yaasin and gave our prayers to those who are no longer with us. He was born on 2nd June and passed away on 6th February. The numbers interchanged, you'd notice if you wrote them down. I had never met him, and would always wonder what he would say to me if we'd meet. False dreams, I have so many of these in my head its hard to quit the habit now..

I never had anyone close to me die ever. My grandfathers both passed away when I had started working... But somehow I feel like I am ready. Its just not possible to have a year go by where nothing bad happens. Please please, die.

He loves you, you know that right? 

Tonight was the mother of all climaxes. No I didn't mean it sexually of course. When you make contact with people that you are not supposed to, which inevitably will hurt you the most. To see a blooming flower die in your hands. Or to let it die and then realizing the mess you've made years later. I've been grieving a lot lately. Gear permanently stuck in reverse. And the hard part is having to deal with it alone, not telling your soul mate because he might think otherwise?

I know I know I know. Everyone around me has been telling me the same thing. Its a lot harder then it looks, not that I expect you to know that.

I wanted to look for you, in the clouds. But it was such a hot day that the clouds  decided to quit their post and run away to a hiding place. 

***

I have 400 pages of chat history in my account. I have read through to 200. I think about deleting. But knowing myself too well I will opt not to. There is always a maybe. Notice the false dream? Told you its hard to quit. 

Stay safe.