Beach Bum Always

The wind whips wildly around me, smashing my hair around as I try to gather it back in a lazy ponytail. The beach does this sometimes. I think it does this almost everytime I am here. Its been a while, since my last visit to the beach. Instanty I recall the numerous evenings I spent running up and down the steep slope beach of Monica Bay. I hid my keys in my socks while I ran, my best friend would just leave hers under the driver's seat. Loco. Kemaman. Was never a true fan of the local sata and air nyiur. The beach, alone, was sufficient.

I've fallen in love many times on the beach. Never did I give it away that easily, unless you were paying attention.  Pretending to be occupied with the construction of an unruly sandcastle. Pretending to be asphyxiated with the motion of waves crashing by, the wind, sand on my knees and in the folds of my jeans. Did you notice? I'd shrug off unnecessary questions, divert the conversation. It was 2005 and Kasih by a local band was getting viral, or at least I kept it on repeat. The base notes tugged at my soul every time. Where were you? It was 2008 and my heart was torn.. 

On the radio-o-O! 

I cried an awful lot that year.

It's 2013 now, the concrete jungle has gotten the best of me. I lost contact with my music. My work became my world. I was left behind by technology (ya gotta blame somebody). I started running again, the only thing that felt like it was me in control. Do you miss your old self? The one with the tall walk and blue Adidas on her feet? The cheeky girl who grew up listening to Nirvana and Butterfingers with her brother?

I walk around town, owning it, I saw you first. The train stations and roadside feels like home in every turn of the corner. My eyes were glued onto the pavement. Everything seems the same. Dim yellow streetlight share some guidance, leading into a familiar darkness. I close my eyes. Kuala Lumpur. Everything seems the same.

It's 2013 now. I stood on the beach last week and my eyes water with every breath I took. Go back, further and further. My heart screams in sadness and I am reminded of Al-Baqi. The Everlasting one. He has been there throughout, hasn't He? 

The ignorant one was you all along, fool.

Balcony Thoughts

It is dark out, the city sleeps and nothing stirs. Several cars go by on the MRR2. Bigger busses making more of a racket, climbing up the highway. I've rode those busses before, going back to the coast, heavy hearted almost everytime. Why did you not wait for me? The cool breeze envelopes. 

Nothing waits for me now, the days unfold before my eyes, gradually the dark sky picks up color. Hues of red and blue come to sight. More heavy trucks pass by below. I am still the same.

I lay my head down on his lap. Gently stroking my hair I asked him to sing. He has always liked singing. Going off tune and singing chick flicks of a song, I fume in frustration. A real song, I say. He cannot detect the open wounds I've been picking at all week while he was away. I tug at my nightgown and cover my legs.

Morning comes and now I am alone. Sit in full lotus, so that the oxygen can actually reach my brain. I choke back tears. I will never understand why I remember him so much now. Why didn't I feel this way before? The heart plays tricks, they chant. But why after 5 years?

I can make out the hills, growing in the horizon. The bushy trees that surrounds me, coaxing me to let go. The two towers that have been in the skyline for over decades now, look lonely and forlorn. I told you so, they whisper. Lights blinking and people go by with their daily lives. I am still the same. 

Unravelling the lotus position, I let my legs hang off the patio chair. Stretching my muscles before the run.

Its been two weeks now, and I am still wrapped up in my endless, selfish pit of remorse. Sometimes the only thing that brings solace is thinking about death. I'm hoping the pain will be more that what I constantly feel now. Blind me with the hurt and let me forget the rest, please God. 

Please let me do this all over.

The sun has finally shed light on the world, good morning KL. I take a bite of my tasteless oatmeal. Will you be back tomorrow? Same time same place? And wake up hearing riffs of an old song that he used to play? Bitch, please.

                       ***

Run. Run. Run away from it all.

Bossa Nova

I've been saying sorry and apologizing for everything of late. Cruel sick mind. Why is  it haunting me now? I could make (another) list of things that is supposed to make myself feel better. But then what? Do I continue living my superior life, unharmed, happy, blinded by worldly delights? I get it now. 

This is how you felt when I left you.

Can you hear me? The big tide speeds through the shore. Memories of you, swept away. The rough sand stands still. Brace, for the next wave. Boats come and go.  I was nothing but an empty shell. Biding time, searching for the light. Why did you wait? Hesitate. Broken hearted. And now I am still nothing but an empty shell. Contemplate.

And hate.  

Let's toast to youth

I grew with these babies circa 2009, when the internet was super speed, and my thoughts needed a soundtrack. Their pace always sets me off now, an instant caffeine fix. Here's to R u mine? A bit more mellow compared to the other tracks.  I'm happy to see Alex grow up so beautiful. Charmed.

Milo Run with Naz

I

I faired OK. No big improvement here.  57:37 for 7km which averages out to 8min/km. Still need to learn to push myself so that I can meet my personal target of 60mins for 10km.

                            ***

Went home and took a long cold bath. Been having a number of those lately, tuning out of the world. Which reminds me I need to clean the house as F's coming home soon...How easy it was for you to replace me, he said.

Breakfast Run

I'm mentally preparing myself for the track tomorrow. Its really not that big a deal. Some people have achieved greater without putting much thought into things. But then they would be called gifted, or insanely brilliant. I'm just a nobody. The more I told stories of what happened in the past the more it made me feel like shaking you to bits so that you'd understand. Thank you for popping up in my memories, spicing the future and injecting more spirit into the things I do, so that I can prove to myself that it wasn't just. To the ditchers, the people who gave up on me, to those who took things for granted.. Hidup ini indah tapi ianya bukan selamanya. (borrowed from Tisha). I must let go. 

***

7km tomorrow, have a feeling it will be my personal best given the circumstances. Let's see shall we?

Missing U(tp)

Heated pavement walks, shaded rooftops sought, the bright sun. 
Sweat trickling down my back, cotton scarves, & a touch of lipgloss...

Wake up wake up, and drag myself out of bed. I struggled to find my placement in society during the first 2 years of uni. I was not sure what I was doing there. I made it through but it is still a blur. I knew what I liked, but I guess did not find the right people to jive with. Its not all about studying, you see, its the lack thereof that made it more fun. 

Early morning sky gazing, cheap foods heaped aplenty, chubby cheeks.

Notes shared and copied, field tracked, squash played, pool swam. Perfect skinned. 

The carefree days, could anyone replace? The torturous lab hours that went by in a daze, all I collected were song names to check out later on the intranet. I was a nobody. Among hoards of boys, I sought companion with the other remaining girls. The friendship has lasted me to this date. We'd swap papers during pop quizzes, refer to our well written notebooks and couldn't care less about coming to class early. Maybe we walk slow? Did we? 

Music made my world turn, decisions shorthanded, crazy outings. Adhoc was cool.

Distractions welcomed, trouble disregarded, beach, boys and cigarettes. 

Money was scarce, well at least I knew it wasn't my strongest trait. I didn't need much of it to be happy. Flipping through the old photos and videos I was a pretty happy kid. Laughing between sentences. Was life sweeter then? Or am I not stopping long enough to smell the roses. The city lights will swallow you.. 

Secrets kept, promises broken, lives entered. Exit.
Glances stolen, learning to love, true love? Bitter, cruel, soul. 

Melancholy infinite sadness, where only death can bring eternal peace you said. Boxes. Packed.

I'll make space for all of this, baggage. Sealed tight, close to my heart. If I revisit, do I skip this batch of photos? Or pretend you were not there?

21, 22, 23.. all but a distant memory.

I'm a believer2 you see

He left her to meet me, and I left him so that he could finally be with her again.  It was an epic tale coming straight out of a story book. Aisle #13 Young Adult Fiction. Played out for almost 10 years. The only reason we meet is so that we could part.

How is the lil Shikin? The one who used to sneak in kicap into the dormitories. What does she look like? I wonder if  where she is hiding in you now.

***

I ran yesterday, its been a few days since I last ran. Funny how before running you actually planned on what things to sort out in your brain while running. The only thing I managed was my off tempo breathing and the excruciating pain in my body as it cramped against the cold post rain weather.  So much for mental torture. Damned heels. It was the first time I cramped around my rib cage. Must be the lack of eating. 

The heart wants what the heart wants. Its time my heart went on a serious team building with my brain.

Ilham Ku

I've been knocked silly and inspired to write I hope the juices in my brain will not halt their flow and I can dump how mind blowing the past few days has been for me so that when I do grow old as a tree, I can read this blog and see how much I lived life. Even if it meant sitting in an office 8-5 and washing the dishes at night and driving the car alone (well not that often but you get my drift).

Dear Future Me,
You were a great person. Fret not. There is no use in doubting the present, so please don't stop yourself from living your future.

Love,
Present Me.

To forgive is not to forget..

I have so much I want to say and ask - but it is no longer my turn to do so. I seek your health when I see others, telepathically absorbing bits and pieces from around me. The last thing we need is interaction. 

You have travelled. Its a pretty awesome collection you have. Like you said, keep the photograph and still frames in your mind ..hang it on a shelf of good health and good times..

Happy birthday! and to all the future birthdays you will have with your loved ones. This will be the last time you hear from me. No matter what each one of us does, we cant change the fact that we were a big part of each others lives in our colorful youth.

I need to apologize sincerely for the past.. kerana Dia. Saya minta maaf. 

Please continue to travel, climb, ride, play music, be the cheeky monkey you are. Love. If we cross paths one day, you'd nod and we'd exchange a brief smile and keep walking..don't look back in anger.

Thank you for everything, I wish you success and eternal happiness wherever you may be. 

Goodnight, travel well 

- The Killers

Changing the Past

Some sentences suggesting things from the past  are just so wrong. Like eating yesterday's dinner, or writing out last month's happenings. Then there is changing the past. Something I almost always think about doing every so often.

Explaining yourself sometimes makes even the cloudiest situation seem crystal clear.

I am at my lowest yet.

I ban all forms of clips, photos, status updates that shares things that I am unable to do like mountain bike riding in Nepal, or via ferrata up Mt Kinabalu, or trekking in the Gobi Desert.

Nowadays there are only a few things that can lift up my spirits. Do something kind towards others, workout, and of course the rare days where I dont tire out taming my bub into bed.