Balcony Thoughts

It is dark out, the city sleeps and nothing stirs. Several cars go by on the MRR2. Bigger busses making more of a racket, climbing up the highway. I've rode those busses before, going back to the coast, heavy hearted almost everytime. Why did you not wait for me? The cool breeze envelopes. 

Nothing waits for me now, the days unfold before my eyes, gradually the dark sky picks up color. Hues of red and blue come to sight. More heavy trucks pass by below. I am still the same.

I lay my head down on his lap. Gently stroking my hair I asked him to sing. He has always liked singing. Going off tune and singing chick flicks of a song, I fume in frustration. A real song, I say. He cannot detect the open wounds I've been picking at all week while he was away. I tug at my nightgown and cover my legs.

Morning comes and now I am alone. Sit in full lotus, so that the oxygen can actually reach my brain. I choke back tears. I will never understand why I remember him so much now. Why didn't I feel this way before? The heart plays tricks, they chant. But why after 5 years?

I can make out the hills, growing in the horizon. The bushy trees that surrounds me, coaxing me to let go. The two towers that have been in the skyline for over decades now, look lonely and forlorn. I told you so, they whisper. Lights blinking and people go by with their daily lives. I am still the same. 

Unravelling the lotus position, I let my legs hang off the patio chair. Stretching my muscles before the run.

Its been two weeks now, and I am still wrapped up in my endless, selfish pit of remorse. Sometimes the only thing that brings solace is thinking about death. I'm hoping the pain will be more that what I constantly feel now. Blind me with the hurt and let me forget the rest, please God. 

Please let me do this all over.

The sun has finally shed light on the world, good morning KL. I take a bite of my tasteless oatmeal. Will you be back tomorrow? Same time same place? And wake up hearing riffs of an old song that he used to play? Bitch, please.

                       ***

Run. Run. Run away from it all.