Repeat repeat repeat

Bulan ni banyak aku menitiskan air mata, kenapa? Sebab aku lihat Wardina dalam video dia cakap, biar lah ramadan ini kita banyak menangis dan menyesali apa yang kita telah kerjakan dulu..all the sins, the wrong doings, the hurtful ways we treated others. Sebab itu ke? Sebab Wardina ke? Aku memang idolize Wardina pon. So want to be like her. Just like her. Sure this sounds so petty. Trivial even.

That is probably why we fail to find the love for our Prophet (praise be upon him) and the things he fought for. I am still the logic-wired me, finding reasons to love him for without, I can't seem to brain why I need to love him..Such bold confessions. Makes your life seems empty, doesn't it?

The Prophet was a great man, all that good stuff you can read for yourself in numerous books and writings.. I just remember him as the one closest to the Maker and the one that will save me when my turn comes to the day of judgement. Even the angels pray for him.. Again, logic tells me that there must be a reason why even the angels would pray for him, and read the quran with him during the nights of Ramadhan. Why can't I put him on his much worthy pedestal? 

And so I read, and I try to understand what it was He wanted me to know. Perhaps when you are taught these things in young age, you can't relate..because nothing of such great impact has ever happened in your life. You never lost a parent, a sibling.. all you did was made choices that could never be undo. Ever. Now my favourite guy to google is Nouman Ali Khan, instead of - some random unknowns.

I cried a lot this month. Not at all trying to say I am more pious than you, or you. Just trying to relate how sad it is, to realize these things at such a ripe age of 30.

Kopi percuma bawah meja

This was last week. My first time ever ever eating in a public place during Ramadhan. Like I said before, life is good when you have friends to do things with. Solidarity ain't for us all. Its not the way we were wired. 

I've been eyeing my site visitor stats a bit more now and none of it makes any sense to say the least. But to those of you reading up to 2007,2008.. Well.. Ok fine read on. And those reading up to 10,18 pages in one sitting is just.. A bit.. Awkward.. 

How have you been, the last 19 days of fasting? Are your spirits still up? Do you still believe every prayer you say will be the one He will make come true? Or just too busy thinking about what to wear on the morning of Eid..? Guilty!

I am waiting patiently for my emotional booster to come home. 

***

Your body might be starving, but your heart would be smiling, if only you knew how lucky you are - Tariq Ramadan

Gedong Lalu Lalang

Dusun Wan Gedong Lalang

If it was up to me, I'd upload this one pic and let the rest file up in memory..on shelves. But nah, I will grow old and forget what it was you did and your character that was of a boy 1 year an 8 months of age.

Sepetang bersama Aunty Naz, Aunty Dila..and the Engris Teacho

Wah kalah org puase Mika! Take 5 atas sofa comfy itu sebelum ukur tapak rumah Wan..

Juadah Berbuka (nages skrg kin!) Simple yet meriah. Paprik!

Naz made murtabak that day. Impressive! Simple, clean, house. Seronok sgt dpt berbuka walaupun muka tak malu menginvite diri sendiri pergi rumah org.. Sheesh! Siap dapat bekal lagi bawak pulang. Terima kasih banyak sahabatku..

Kalau boleh Mika nak join Coco moreh sekali..tapi takpe la Mika, awk tak muat tu, you know that right??

Hey Mika - awk rase dlm gambar AES yang Mama tangkap aritu nampak tak muka awk yang kepenatan dlm back seat? Damn you AES. I thought they were extinct already!!! (Mama, please..!)

***

See, I can write like normal. Its just a switch I turn ON or OFF. I've had one too many people come up to me and ask me if I am OK. I am fine..just on the road of self discovery. Its not that easy, and no one ever said it was. And no one ever said you had to do it alone, right? So accept my writing, as my deepest confessions and my abstract way of reaching out to whoever you guys are that read this space. But if you do see me, don't ask me if I am ok. I am not an open book for you to read.

 Just tell me something new and wonderful about you, that will leave me with awe and make me smile.

Sejuk dan rapuh

a : sejuk kan KL?
n : aah weh, hujan kot.. kau mcm mana beb, sehat?
a : aku OK, cam biase la sayu sikit
n : eh...nape ko sayu mayu lagi..?
a : aku baru realize byk bende..hahaha. macam da 30 ni baru paham apa Tuhan kata selama ni 
n  : oh..
a : so its a lot nak telan
n : it is..
a : ahh babe, byk kau da ajar aku la. sedih.

Maka KL pon banjir..baik di Citibank mahupun di Menara 1 KLCC. Everything seems better when you have someone to do it with.

***

Aku tak mengerti, apa yang mungkin terjadi. Sepenuh hatiku, aku tak mengerti.

A new heart, please

Rare occasions do I get to complete all my housechores by 10:15am. It was another free weekend, one where Mika is happily entertained by his loving cousins. And I am left alone to enjoy the space, and time. It has been a while since I last watched a movie. Both of them were animations... Crickets.

I enjoy housework so much at times of unsettled thoughts. The creases in my clothes, made smooth by the hot steamy iron. I put RHCP's Californication on full blast on the docket. Jenga drifting in peaceful slumber in the living hall. I tiptoe out to see how loud I am and swiftly step back into the master. Curtains aside, I let the sunlight into the room and the calming scent of vanilla basks the morning.

The floors need scrubbing, as do the sinks. I found a neat glove that comes with a heavy duty scrubing sponge attached to it. Scrub away until the white shines through. And everything is new again... How easy that was.

I rummaged through my old jeans and took the favourite copper acrylic. An old toothbrush. In mere minutes, I made an old pair of boyfriend jeans new again. How easy that was..

It was an old pair I got at Changi International airport, the year was 2009 and it was just after Hari Raya. October to be exact. It was the perfect pair I needed.

How easy it was, to spruce up an old pair of jeans to make it last a few more years. Ramadhan is sort of like that, a short month out of twelve where God said, you know what, take a month off and remember whatever you have forgotten about Me..and the things I've promised. Obviously you have forgotten and have gone astray. I can't write much more cause I've been having a rough couple of days. Make the most of this time. I can only sense it slipping away.

How easy it was, to make your heart new?

As you grow

Being a mom is so rewarding sometimes but I haven't been able to truly absorb all of that goodness since I have been so selfish with my thoughts and let you grow on your own. And surely, you have. Cherish this moment, the time when you were my sidekick with no special power other than those rich black locks of hair, the time when you could hardly speak and kept on calling me Aboh day in and out, the time when you demanded to try everything and in disgust would spit out soft mushy foods. And then you'd beg for more, and we'd do it all over again. The time when the word ball and bird and dog and cat sounds the same. You kick pretty good for a baby I must say that we do plan on putting you into some sort of football club when you are of age.

Doesn't matter who you end up looking like, you are the best companion for me. F is almost always away.. I've been digesting whyyyy He made it so. We were never together for more than 3 months straight. Why? Need I be more independent? Did I need to learn to disconnect myself from him too? Sometimes I over think something to the point of total madness. Window pane.

Mika Mika Mika. 

There must be a reason. For this chaos. And your calmness in the middle of it. I think I am missing a huge point. Make me realize.

Lets go make a video Mika, where we suck our breaths and then stick out our tongue, wag it like crazy. Mama better press record, cause this ain't never coming back again.

The quiet goodbye..

It will get better.

It will hurt less.

It will end soon, He said, repeatedly. Was anyone listening?

The birds hid in their nests as the sun rose that morning. I was running late. 

In all honesty, I did not know what I was looking for. What the hell does closure look like?

I felt liberated. No dead weights. Just me and my emotions. A car full. I planned on opening the windows as I circled the same road. Hoping the emotions would flutter out the window. Lost.

What is the purpose of this life? And the sudden quicksand I have stumbled upon. 

Misery.

I have to let you go, now. To roam the worlds as you wish. Leaving me behind, where I left you.

I have let them both go, now. They were never mine, but borrowed objects to entertain a lost heart.

Dagger digs deep. And twists. 

A prayer for you, always.

***

And this worldly life is nothing but diversion and amusement. And indeed, the home of the hereafter - that is the (eternal) life, if only they knew. Quran, 29:64

First puasa! (mama!)

Aku tidur bawah meja kawan aku. Itu semalam. Tapi hari ni bertemankan sekotak kurma. Rezeki. Jgn tolak. Your body needs sustanance at times like this.

How have you been? Its been a while since we last talked. I have a newfound friend who connects me almost directly to you that it hurts. Tread carefully.

Wet my lips and my tongue starts to flicker. His name, praise Him, thank Him.. and life will be promised to be bliss. Whethere now or later, just let Him decide.

I have a funny meeting of sorts tomorrow. Again, nothing I have control over. Why bother with people who can't seem to appreciate you even as a person. I have real cool friends. And I need to eat, to remain the cool mom I am. 

Selamat berpuasa, cool party of mine.

Chasing ghosts and finding angels

Old diaries read, sweaty fingers flipping through the pages. Hoping, hoping to find pieces of my old self between the neatly written notes. Anecdotes, horoscopes. Green, red, black and blue ink. I have always been fickle minded. Printed email threads. Long lost, forlorn and rejected. I've never experienced heart break ever. Heart ache a plenty. I wiped the sweat off my forehead. Slowly, I tell myself. What is the rush if the game is already over? Laughter.

I've reached out and gotten some help along the way. Various friends, offering their advice and some shutting the door even before I got there. My logic-set mind still could not compute. Why did You put these thoughts in my mind? There must be a reason. Love Me Butch's Hollywood Holiday does not seem to be so light anymore. My balcony saw confessions, and more tears than I could ever imagine. Never in a million years would I have seen it coming, poor balcony. You are now officially a stimuli for sad thoughts, vulnerability and damp morale. Friends open up to me, shared their weaknesses, their flaws and fears, all in effort to make me feel better, not alone in this winding road to self discovery. I began to wonder why songs seem to be oriented around similar themes.

Disco. Disco. Disconnect. 

I do not want to die, with regret. Neither do I want to die, holding on to something that is not mine. Nothing is mine, actually. But how do you continue living, one side of you completely cut-off and the other, flourishing. Indahnya hidup aku.. I began to google things like letting go, being grateful, and started to spring clean the house. Re-arranging all the Polaroids neatly, discarding old mail, junk, mopping around the house, with a wet rag and a vacuum. It does your soul wonders. Some people took time off, to do some soul searching. My friend told me to go back to my roots. Check out what He has to say to you since the day you were born. Al-Baqi. Do You hear me now?

F has been all but kind and loving. I noticed I have pushed him out of my mind of recent. To make way for new thoughts? I don't want to get them mixed up. The words that come out of your mouth when you are angry and frustrated. Can be so dangerous. I speak less, and I've eaten less. Stick to the usual routine. Keep yourself busy. Ironic but that is what he probably did some good years back. Do I confuse you? F knows, how broken I am now. He has been too kind, to let me say the things I did. Did God intentionally make you an occurrence, and not a constant?

Here's a toast. 

To the rekindled friendship - those who know me since school, keep reminding me who I truly am; 

the ones going strong - and have kindly observed me since back then;

the new ones that came out of nowhere - you keep me sane, and human.

Till death do us part.

Which, after, I hope I get to meet each one of you in the promised Garden of Eden.