Black Sands and Dark Shadows

This sadness that fills me every morning, is it meant to be here, God? Did you put it here for a reason? If it serves me no purpose other than remorse and regret, please take it away from me. Hide it. Bury it. Make it inaccessible to my thoughts. I've apologized to those I wronged, and I devote my life to You, now. It's a bit late to realize, that everyone and everything I have is just borrowed to me. Mika, please stay a while longer?

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. It has made me a bit more light hearted about the heavy topic. I think it is fair if I go, for him to find another. For Mika to continue to be happy. I've disconnected myself from people I used to treasure and believe was only meant for me. Mine. Some one once told me this heart was not even ours to begin with. He colors it for us, and plants love as well as ideas for us to take and grow on our own. If I blame it on evil whispers, will it make me feel any better?

Pantai Sepat was dark and empty that evening. I was so happy it felt like it was our own private beach. The romance I feel each time I set foot on a strip of beach, it is hard to explain. I don't think that many people know this about me. Mika loves the sand, trodding up and down the shore, walking close to the waves and screaming every time the waves came close. The slurry of sand sliding between his toes make him ticklish. He squeals and squirms, squeezing my hand in excitement. Mama loves you, baby. Grow up strong, and I will be there when someone breaks your heart. But please don't laugh too much, you cry a lot during your sleep when you do. 

Coldplay's Scientist haunts me..the wishful thinking that I could do things all over again. Fix things. Realize. I never would have imagined to learn something the hard way. Never never. Never. I did think I knew it all. The great determined one, finally failing..finally falling..finally.

I saw you the other day. You had on a dark shirt and your walk was the same. You looked good.  Tight faced, not even a slight twitch in the mouth to smile - or frown? Neither one of us knew it would come to this. You walked right past me, and I held my breath. Not to give anything away.

If God wanted me to bury it, I better start digging a deep, deep hole. Would I be lucky if I fell into the hole? It would be ironic and funny, actually. He would not be the one to laugh, she said.