One of the trees

I am tired, of holding on to things that do not matter..

I used to get confused with meditation and self empowerment and chanting and praying. All of them seemed greyed out to a dark corner which I knew, if unprepared - I could easily get lost into. 

I do a lot of yoga, a lot (in my books) up till today at 21weeks. 

I'm trying out something new (who would've thought - never in a million years) and hopefully I can make this work for me. I've always loved teaching, hated the office stress and if I can empower more women to look after themselves while I'm at it - why not? 

Usually in class the instructors would lead us through a group meditation - he/she would convince us that we are perfect the way we are, and that now is the right time and here is the perfect place for us to be.. And then the challenge would come - he/she would ask us to choose something that is unnecessary in life, useless, and weighs us down for no reason - to let that root go, to free ourselves from worldly grasp that does us no good. 

And I would flunk, terribly.. For I loved the world (my world) just too much and I had wanted to get rid of my infatuation with pretty shiny things but was too weak to commit. Its so trivial it is embarassing for me to admit here.

I tried, really. 

I practised planting myself on terra firma. And when I find peace with myself, and chose something that I knew I could succeed to live without.. Slowly, loosening my grip, I let it go.

Let me sleep

Sometimes the heart calls for the most humanly basics - rest, love, respect.. 

I get puzzled and lost often when relating to society. Why we need to put others' needs ahead of ours. Shouldn't life be simple?

If everybody put themselves second, and everyone else as priority, then surely once in a while a poor soul would be wandering, alone and confused.

I never understood why it is such a crime to sleep when tired, eat when hungry and cry when upset. Why do we defy so much of the natural instincts - to create a stronger facade..

We are nothing close to being programmable. 

Let the robotics be left, to the robots..

Jln Alor III

We met up again, in Jalan Alor.

It is like visiting a longtime friend, the air is the same, the decorations seem to have not changed a bit. The settled dust is removed, from passersby and new signs are up and we are lost each time we get there. What is the name of that stall? We can’t seem to recall.

Familiar faces, with our usual order of food.. the crowd grows, and so does my tummy. I hide under black layers but not intentionally.

We share our wonderful news, and I absorb it all, as I intently scrape out remaining bits of coconut flesh from the shell. An eye on the little one, and another on my swift scraping. I swallow quickly so that I can interrupt the conversation and laugh while it still made stupid sense. I missed all of you guys, so much.

Later we promised to keep in touch, and shared bowls of coconut ice cream, took photos and again become touristy in our own home..

Vivid dreams

This time it is so different. 

I have been having these weird dreams and you promised they were suppose to go away. Heavily drugged, I find myself numb in my toes but my fingers could feel the hard throbbing of my heart the minute I am awake. Such a bad dream, I shut my eyes in disbelief, calming myself with some yin breathing. I feel myself sink deeper into the mattress. The alarm goes off again and I stomp my fingers on snooze.

Why now? 

Its been a while, since I last dreamt of you. At least it was a pleasant encounter. We had a decent conversation which I recall nothing of. Our circle seems to be getting smaller - are you clausterphobic?

A lot of people will never get why I do yoga - I need constant practise and method on how to let go. To be reminded, constantly, like a dory fish.

I lay now in my bed, ready for slumber. And yet I am so restless I do not want to meet you again. 

This time it is so different. You promised, uncertain yourself.