The quiet goodbye..

It will get better.

It will hurt less.

It will end soon, He said, repeatedly. Was anyone listening?

The birds hid in their nests as the sun rose that morning. I was running late. 

In all honesty, I did not know what I was looking for. What the hell does closure look like?

I felt liberated. No dead weights. Just me and my emotions. A car full. I planned on opening the windows as I circled the same road. Hoping the emotions would flutter out the window. Lost.

What is the purpose of this life? And the sudden quicksand I have stumbled upon. 

Misery.

I have to let you go, now. To roam the worlds as you wish. Leaving me behind, where I left you.

I have let them both go, now. They were never mine, but borrowed objects to entertain a lost heart.

Dagger digs deep. And twists. 

A prayer for you, always.

***

And this worldly life is nothing but diversion and amusement. And indeed, the home of the hereafter - that is the (eternal) life, if only they knew. Quran, 29:64

First puasa! (mama!)

Aku tidur bawah meja kawan aku. Itu semalam. Tapi hari ni bertemankan sekotak kurma. Rezeki. Jgn tolak. Your body needs sustanance at times like this.

How have you been? Its been a while since we last talked. I have a newfound friend who connects me almost directly to you that it hurts. Tread carefully.

Wet my lips and my tongue starts to flicker. His name, praise Him, thank Him.. and life will be promised to be bliss. Whethere now or later, just let Him decide.

I have a funny meeting of sorts tomorrow. Again, nothing I have control over. Why bother with people who can't seem to appreciate you even as a person. I have real cool friends. And I need to eat, to remain the cool mom I am. 

Selamat berpuasa, cool party of mine.

Chasing ghosts and finding angels

Old diaries read, sweaty fingers flipping through the pages. Hoping, hoping to find pieces of my old self between the neatly written notes. Anecdotes, horoscopes. Green, red, black and blue ink. I have always been fickle minded. Printed email threads. Long lost, forlorn and rejected. I've never experienced heart break ever. Heart ache a plenty. I wiped the sweat off my forehead. Slowly, I tell myself. What is the rush if the game is already over? Laughter.

I've reached out and gotten some help along the way. Various friends, offering their advice and some shutting the door even before I got there. My logic-set mind still could not compute. Why did You put these thoughts in my mind? There must be a reason. Love Me Butch's Hollywood Holiday does not seem to be so light anymore. My balcony saw confessions, and more tears than I could ever imagine. Never in a million years would I have seen it coming, poor balcony. You are now officially a stimuli for sad thoughts, vulnerability and damp morale. Friends open up to me, shared their weaknesses, their flaws and fears, all in effort to make me feel better, not alone in this winding road to self discovery. I began to wonder why songs seem to be oriented around similar themes.

Disco. Disco. Disconnect. 

I do not want to die, with regret. Neither do I want to die, holding on to something that is not mine. Nothing is mine, actually. But how do you continue living, one side of you completely cut-off and the other, flourishing. Indahnya hidup aku.. I began to google things like letting go, being grateful, and started to spring clean the house. Re-arranging all the Polaroids neatly, discarding old mail, junk, mopping around the house, with a wet rag and a vacuum. It does your soul wonders. Some people took time off, to do some soul searching. My friend told me to go back to my roots. Check out what He has to say to you since the day you were born. Al-Baqi. Do You hear me now?

F has been all but kind and loving. I noticed I have pushed him out of my mind of recent. To make way for new thoughts? I don't want to get them mixed up. The words that come out of your mouth when you are angry and frustrated. Can be so dangerous. I speak less, and I've eaten less. Stick to the usual routine. Keep yourself busy. Ironic but that is what he probably did some good years back. Do I confuse you? F knows, how broken I am now. He has been too kind, to let me say the things I did. Did God intentionally make you an occurrence, and not a constant?

Here's a toast. 

To the rekindled friendship - those who know me since school, keep reminding me who I truly am; 

the ones going strong - and have kindly observed me since back then;

the new ones that came out of nowhere - you keep me sane, and human.

Till death do us part.

Which, after, I hope I get to meet each one of you in the promised Garden of Eden.

Mika's Meatballs

A staple snack for Mika almost every other week. I change between meatballs and a baked potato gratin of sorts. He has it as a snack, along with his box of fruits and main course. He is into more harder foods now and detests bananas or gooey gunk.

Makes about 50pcs depending on how small you roll them.

1 packet of minced beef (700gm)

1 clove garlic, crushed

Spring onion, chopped

Mushroom, chopped (I opt for white button or portobello)

1/4 cup of carb : couscous or boiled potatoes, mashed

1 egg

1 tbsp cornstarch

1 tablespoon worcesteir sauce (Lea Perrins) 

Pinch of :

Cumin

Paprika

Pepper

Salt (more than a pinch cause its a lot of beef to season)

Yogurt Dip

Yogurt - I opt for greek now

1 clove of crushed garlic

Chives or spring onion - chopped finely

Or, regular holland onion - chopped finely

Lemon zest

Squeeze of lemon juice

Salt & Pepper to taste

Mash all of the above between your fingers for maximum pleasure (lol sgt) but I do believe it feels good and you get all of the ingredients mixed well. I usually roll out the baby meatballs on a tray so that the workspace is kept clean and easy to maneuver.

I've experimented with various types of carb for the meatballs : cornflakes, potatoes, rice (if I use rice its usually with cheese to make fish meatballs which are yummy and bit less dense).

The dip is my take on Greek/Arabic food. Love the contrast against the dark heady meatballs. Put them in a pita bread, or over salad, its quite yummy actually. 

Have fun and let me know how it went?

***

A nice break from the normal heavy shit I write, I know. Missed this too.