Those days I didn't even look at the sky

Listening to Alanis Morissette's Jagged lil Pill on repeat now, what am I, 11? Reminds me of walking in the district of New Market, downtown Dhaka. I search for something, a sense of belonging. Kids were listening to 'What if god was one of us.' I was learning life through Sydney Sheldon (what a perv) and my best friend was a short Turkish boy by the name of Can Baysan. He gave me a Pulp Fiction soundtrack cassete tape for my 11th birthday. 

The year was 1995, I was in the 6th Grade with Mr. Lewis and my favourite subject was Social Studies. It was so easy for me to spot and name the location of the photos that would hang in the "Guess the Location" in Mr. Lewis's homeroom. I recall winning a few of them spot on. Most of the kids were like me, nomads with no preference to any race or language. A mixed tape.

I was a blank canvas, the worst I did was shave my legs (once!) because all the other girls were doing it daily and stole a 'Saved by the Bell : Make-up and beauty regime' book from the local library. 

I was naive, I had to read about menstruation from a book and wondered how my mom wore her pads that were like an inch thick which reminded me of soft bread. They had superglue on the bottom and it felt like you had a wad of newspaper stuck down there. Giggle.

Dad didn't let me wear shorts when I went around on my mountain bike around Dhaka. Gulshan to Baridhara, was a far trip but still enjoyable. I ate mangoes so savagely I must've been related to Mowgli. I wore longer pants and cheated with shorts during Phys. Ed. Track and field was a favourite. I finally found

something I was OK at. Summers were spent watching TV, sleeping like a log and eating mayo rich chicken sandwiches at the Canadian Club and swimming like a frog.

Never once did I look up to see the stars and wonder what tomorrow would bring. Is that the definition of carefree? Years later I listen to songs with the lyrics like 'These days the stars seem so out of reach'. How ironic. 

1995. You were good to me.

***

It was Father's Day yesterday. He requested for rice with nuggets. What a lucky bitch I am? Bet you suckers had to cook your asses off for the Man of your life. We don't celebrate it, but gifts, and hugs are welcome.

Those Eyes

Will you, ever ask yourself what you are made of?
Is it trust? A sense of leadership? What is it in you that keeps you going?

Let me tell you my main ingredient. It is my uncanny sense of determination.
Someone once labeled me the determined one. Don't you think that's a great trait to inherit?

I know what I want and when I want it. It doesn't mean that I did everything correctly. Or that I am proud of every single thing I did. I have had a few moments. Those deserving of being kept only in the dark, not even in writing. Just. Events. Faces. Feelings. Rain. 

Do you think it is a bad thing? To be so determined?  I do. I believe there is always a weakness if we search hard enough. I've come to realize I'm determined for something close to impossible. Maybe there will be a follow up entry but until then, you and I must both wait.

Will you be headstrong, unnerved by circumstances? Will you stand up for what you believe and execute till your last breath? Will your heart be broken? Pieces. I was a Pieces, did you know?

Mama was once also, a strong person. She still thinks she is.

***

The only reason we keep diaries is for the contents to be read, events remembered. Pray tell, whats the point of shift+delete, or throwing away good junk? The memories will be there forever, but humans..are meant to cry, and forget. So have a good cry - when no one is watching.

Lullaby

Sleep tight, baby boy,

Now don't make a sound,

Dream big, baby boy,

I will guard you now,

Grow up strong baby boy,

The waves might crash you down,

Be mine, baby boy,

We'll get through it somehow.

-2006

Infinite Bliss, like you said

It was a dry hot day and the sun was piercing through the empty sky. It was so hot even the clouds decided to quit their posts and run away to a hiding place. Away from the sun. We read the Yaasin and gave our prayers to those who are no longer with us. He was born on 2nd June and passed away on 6th February. The numbers interchanged, you'd notice if you wrote them down. I had never met him, and would always wonder what he would say to me if we'd meet. False dreams, I have so many of these in my head its hard to quit the habit now..

I never had anyone close to me die ever. My grandfathers both passed away when I had started working... But somehow I feel like I am ready. Its just not possible to have a year go by where nothing bad happens. Please please, die.

He loves you, you know that right? 

Tonight was the mother of all climaxes. No I didn't mean it sexually of course. When you make contact with people that you are not supposed to, which inevitably will hurt you the most. To see a blooming flower die in your hands. Or to let it die and then realizing the mess you've made years later. I've been grieving a lot lately. Gear permanently stuck in reverse. And the hard part is having to deal with it alone, not telling your soul mate because he might think otherwise?

I know I know I know. Everyone around me has been telling me the same thing. Its a lot harder then it looks, not that I expect you to know that.

I wanted to look for you, in the clouds. But it was such a hot day that the clouds  decided to quit their post and run away to a hiding place. 

***

I have 400 pages of chat history in my account. I have read through to 200. I think about deleting. But knowing myself too well I will opt not to. There is always a maybe. Notice the false dream? Told you its hard to quit. 

Stay safe.