Those Eyes

Will you, ever ask yourself what you are made of?
Is it trust? A sense of leadership? What is it in you that keeps you going?

Let me tell you my main ingredient. It is my uncanny sense of determination.
Someone once labeled me the determined one. Don't you think that's a great trait to inherit?

I know what I want and when I want it. It doesn't mean that I did everything correctly. Or that I am proud of every single thing I did. I have had a few moments. Those deserving of being kept only in the dark, not even in writing. Just. Events. Faces. Feelings. Rain. 

Do you think it is a bad thing? To be so determined?  I do. I believe there is always a weakness if we search hard enough. I've come to realize I'm determined for something close to impossible. Maybe there will be a follow up entry but until then, you and I must both wait.

Will you be headstrong, unnerved by circumstances? Will you stand up for what you believe and execute till your last breath? Will your heart be broken? Pieces. I was a Pieces, did you know?

Mama was once also, a strong person. She still thinks she is.

***

The only reason we keep diaries is for the contents to be read, events remembered. Pray tell, whats the point of shift+delete, or throwing away good junk? The memories will be there forever, but humans..are meant to cry, and forget. So have a good cry - when no one is watching.

Lullaby

Sleep tight, baby boy,

Now don't make a sound,

Dream big, baby boy,

I will guard you now,

Grow up strong baby boy,

The waves might crash you down,

Be mine, baby boy,

We'll get through it somehow.

-2006

Infinite Bliss, like you said

It was a dry hot day and the sun was piercing through the empty sky. It was so hot even the clouds decided to quit their posts and run away to a hiding place. Away from the sun. We read the Yaasin and gave our prayers to those who are no longer with us. He was born on 2nd June and passed away on 6th February. The numbers interchanged, you'd notice if you wrote them down. I had never met him, and would always wonder what he would say to me if we'd meet. False dreams, I have so many of these in my head its hard to quit the habit now..

I never had anyone close to me die ever. My grandfathers both passed away when I had started working... But somehow I feel like I am ready. Its just not possible to have a year go by where nothing bad happens. Please please, die.

He loves you, you know that right? 

Tonight was the mother of all climaxes. No I didn't mean it sexually of course. When you make contact with people that you are not supposed to, which inevitably will hurt you the most. To see a blooming flower die in your hands. Or to let it die and then realizing the mess you've made years later. I've been grieving a lot lately. Gear permanently stuck in reverse. And the hard part is having to deal with it alone, not telling your soul mate because he might think otherwise?

I know I know I know. Everyone around me has been telling me the same thing. Its a lot harder then it looks, not that I expect you to know that.

I wanted to look for you, in the clouds. But it was such a hot day that the clouds  decided to quit their post and run away to a hiding place. 

***

I have 400 pages of chat history in my account. I have read through to 200. I think about deleting. But knowing myself too well I will opt not to. There is always a maybe. Notice the false dream? Told you its hard to quit. 

Stay safe.

Beach Bum Always

The wind whips wildly around me, smashing my hair around as I try to gather it back in a lazy ponytail. The beach does this sometimes. I think it does this almost everytime I am here. Its been a while, since my last visit to the beach. Instanty I recall the numerous evenings I spent running up and down the steep slope beach of Monica Bay. I hid my keys in my socks while I ran, my best friend would just leave hers under the driver's seat. Loco. Kemaman. Was never a true fan of the local sata and air nyiur. The beach, alone, was sufficient.

I've fallen in love many times on the beach. Never did I give it away that easily, unless you were paying attention.  Pretending to be occupied with the construction of an unruly sandcastle. Pretending to be asphyxiated with the motion of waves crashing by, the wind, sand on my knees and in the folds of my jeans. Did you notice? I'd shrug off unnecessary questions, divert the conversation. It was 2005 and Kasih by a local band was getting viral, or at least I kept it on repeat. The base notes tugged at my soul every time. Where were you? It was 2008 and my heart was torn.. 

On the radio-o-O! 

I cried an awful lot that year.

It's 2013 now, the concrete jungle has gotten the best of me. I lost contact with my music. My work became my world. I was left behind by technology (ya gotta blame somebody). I started running again, the only thing that felt like it was me in control. Do you miss your old self? The one with the tall walk and blue Adidas on her feet? The cheeky girl who grew up listening to Nirvana and Butterfingers with her brother?

I walk around town, owning it, I saw you first. The train stations and roadside feels like home in every turn of the corner. My eyes were glued onto the pavement. Everything seems the same. Dim yellow streetlight share some guidance, leading into a familiar darkness. I close my eyes. Kuala Lumpur. Everything seems the same.

It's 2013 now. I stood on the beach last week and my eyes water with every breath I took. Go back, further and further. My heart screams in sadness and I am reminded of Al-Baqi. The Everlasting one. He has been there throughout, hasn't He? 

The ignorant one was you all along, fool.