Infinite Bliss, like you said

It was a dry hot day and the sun was piercing through the empty sky. It was so hot even the clouds decided to quit their posts and run away to a hiding place. Away from the sun. We read the Yaasin and gave our prayers to those who are no longer with us. He was born on 2nd June and passed away on 6th February. The numbers interchanged, you'd notice if you wrote them down. I had never met him, and would always wonder what he would say to me if we'd meet. False dreams, I have so many of these in my head its hard to quit the habit now..

I never had anyone close to me die ever. My grandfathers both passed away when I had started working... But somehow I feel like I am ready. Its just not possible to have a year go by where nothing bad happens. Please please, die.

He loves you, you know that right? 

Tonight was the mother of all climaxes. No I didn't mean it sexually of course. When you make contact with people that you are not supposed to, which inevitably will hurt you the most. To see a blooming flower die in your hands. Or to let it die and then realizing the mess you've made years later. I've been grieving a lot lately. Gear permanently stuck in reverse. And the hard part is having to deal with it alone, not telling your soul mate because he might think otherwise?

I know I know I know. Everyone around me has been telling me the same thing. Its a lot harder then it looks, not that I expect you to know that.

I wanted to look for you, in the clouds. But it was such a hot day that the clouds  decided to quit their post and run away to a hiding place. 

***

I have 400 pages of chat history in my account. I have read through to 200. I think about deleting. But knowing myself too well I will opt not to. There is always a maybe. Notice the false dream? Told you its hard to quit. 

Stay safe.

Beach Bum Always

The wind whips wildly around me, smashing my hair around as I try to gather it back in a lazy ponytail. The beach does this sometimes. I think it does this almost everytime I am here. Its been a while, since my last visit to the beach. Instanty I recall the numerous evenings I spent running up and down the steep slope beach of Monica Bay. I hid my keys in my socks while I ran, my best friend would just leave hers under the driver's seat. Loco. Kemaman. Was never a true fan of the local sata and air nyiur. The beach, alone, was sufficient.

I've fallen in love many times on the beach. Never did I give it away that easily, unless you were paying attention.  Pretending to be occupied with the construction of an unruly sandcastle. Pretending to be asphyxiated with the motion of waves crashing by, the wind, sand on my knees and in the folds of my jeans. Did you notice? I'd shrug off unnecessary questions, divert the conversation. It was 2005 and Kasih by a local band was getting viral, or at least I kept it on repeat. The base notes tugged at my soul every time. Where were you? It was 2008 and my heart was torn.. 

On the radio-o-O! 

I cried an awful lot that year.

It's 2013 now, the concrete jungle has gotten the best of me. I lost contact with my music. My work became my world. I was left behind by technology (ya gotta blame somebody). I started running again, the only thing that felt like it was me in control. Do you miss your old self? The one with the tall walk and blue Adidas on her feet? The cheeky girl who grew up listening to Nirvana and Butterfingers with her brother?

I walk around town, owning it, I saw you first. The train stations and roadside feels like home in every turn of the corner. My eyes were glued onto the pavement. Everything seems the same. Dim yellow streetlight share some guidance, leading into a familiar darkness. I close my eyes. Kuala Lumpur. Everything seems the same.

It's 2013 now. I stood on the beach last week and my eyes water with every breath I took. Go back, further and further. My heart screams in sadness and I am reminded of Al-Baqi. The Everlasting one. He has been there throughout, hasn't He? 

The ignorant one was you all along, fool.

Balcony Thoughts

It is dark out, the city sleeps and nothing stirs. Several cars go by on the MRR2. Bigger busses making more of a racket, climbing up the highway. I've rode those busses before, going back to the coast, heavy hearted almost everytime. Why did you not wait for me? The cool breeze envelopes. 

Nothing waits for me now, the days unfold before my eyes, gradually the dark sky picks up color. Hues of red and blue come to sight. More heavy trucks pass by below. I am still the same.

I lay my head down on his lap. Gently stroking my hair I asked him to sing. He has always liked singing. Going off tune and singing chick flicks of a song, I fume in frustration. A real song, I say. He cannot detect the open wounds I've been picking at all week while he was away. I tug at my nightgown and cover my legs.

Morning comes and now I am alone. Sit in full lotus, so that the oxygen can actually reach my brain. I choke back tears. I will never understand why I remember him so much now. Why didn't I feel this way before? The heart plays tricks, they chant. But why after 5 years?

I can make out the hills, growing in the horizon. The bushy trees that surrounds me, coaxing me to let go. The two towers that have been in the skyline for over decades now, look lonely and forlorn. I told you so, they whisper. Lights blinking and people go by with their daily lives. I am still the same. 

Unravelling the lotus position, I let my legs hang off the patio chair. Stretching my muscles before the run.

Its been two weeks now, and I am still wrapped up in my endless, selfish pit of remorse. Sometimes the only thing that brings solace is thinking about death. I'm hoping the pain will be more that what I constantly feel now. Blind me with the hurt and let me forget the rest, please God. 

Please let me do this all over.

The sun has finally shed light on the world, good morning KL. I take a bite of my tasteless oatmeal. Will you be back tomorrow? Same time same place? And wake up hearing riffs of an old song that he used to play? Bitch, please.

                       ***

Run. Run. Run away from it all.

Bossa Nova

I've been saying sorry and apologizing for everything of late. Cruel sick mind. Why is  it haunting me now? I could make (another) list of things that is supposed to make myself feel better. But then what? Do I continue living my superior life, unharmed, happy, blinded by worldly delights? I get it now. 

This is how you felt when I left you.

Can you hear me? The big tide speeds through the shore. Memories of you, swept away. The rough sand stands still. Brace, for the next wave. Boats come and go.  I was nothing but an empty shell. Biding time, searching for the light. Why did you wait? Hesitate. Broken hearted. And now I am still nothing but an empty shell. Contemplate.

And hate.