As you grow

Being a mom is so rewarding sometimes but I haven't been able to truly absorb all of that goodness since I have been so selfish with my thoughts and let you grow on your own. And surely, you have. Cherish this moment, the time when you were my sidekick with no special power other than those rich black locks of hair, the time when you could hardly speak and kept on calling me Aboh day in and out, the time when you demanded to try everything and in disgust would spit out soft mushy foods. And then you'd beg for more, and we'd do it all over again. The time when the word ball and bird and dog and cat sounds the same. You kick pretty good for a baby I must say that we do plan on putting you into some sort of football club when you are of age.

Doesn't matter who you end up looking like, you are the best companion for me. F is almost always away.. I've been digesting whyyyy He made it so. We were never together for more than 3 months straight. Why? Need I be more independent? Did I need to learn to disconnect myself from him too? Sometimes I over think something to the point of total madness. Window pane.

Mika Mika Mika. 

There must be a reason. For this chaos. And your calmness in the middle of it. I think I am missing a huge point. Make me realize.

Lets go make a video Mika, where we suck our breaths and then stick out our tongue, wag it like crazy. Mama better press record, cause this ain't never coming back again.

The quiet goodbye..

It will get better.

It will hurt less.

It will end soon, He said, repeatedly. Was anyone listening?

The birds hid in their nests as the sun rose that morning. I was running late. 

In all honesty, I did not know what I was looking for. What the hell does closure look like?

I felt liberated. No dead weights. Just me and my emotions. A car full. I planned on opening the windows as I circled the same road. Hoping the emotions would flutter out the window. Lost.

What is the purpose of this life? And the sudden quicksand I have stumbled upon. 

Misery.

I have to let you go, now. To roam the worlds as you wish. Leaving me behind, where I left you.

I have let them both go, now. They were never mine, but borrowed objects to entertain a lost heart.

Dagger digs deep. And twists. 

A prayer for you, always.

***

And this worldly life is nothing but diversion and amusement. And indeed, the home of the hereafter - that is the (eternal) life, if only they knew. Quran, 29:64

First puasa! (mama!)

Aku tidur bawah meja kawan aku. Itu semalam. Tapi hari ni bertemankan sekotak kurma. Rezeki. Jgn tolak. Your body needs sustanance at times like this.

How have you been? Its been a while since we last talked. I have a newfound friend who connects me almost directly to you that it hurts. Tread carefully.

Wet my lips and my tongue starts to flicker. His name, praise Him, thank Him.. and life will be promised to be bliss. Whethere now or later, just let Him decide.

I have a funny meeting of sorts tomorrow. Again, nothing I have control over. Why bother with people who can't seem to appreciate you even as a person. I have real cool friends. And I need to eat, to remain the cool mom I am. 

Selamat berpuasa, cool party of mine.

Chasing ghosts and finding angels

Old diaries read, sweaty fingers flipping through the pages. Hoping, hoping to find pieces of my old self between the neatly written notes. Anecdotes, horoscopes. Green, red, black and blue ink. I have always been fickle minded. Printed email threads. Long lost, forlorn and rejected. I've never experienced heart break ever. Heart ache a plenty. I wiped the sweat off my forehead. Slowly, I tell myself. What is the rush if the game is already over? Laughter.

I've reached out and gotten some help along the way. Various friends, offering their advice and some shutting the door even before I got there. My logic-set mind still could not compute. Why did You put these thoughts in my mind? There must be a reason. Love Me Butch's Hollywood Holiday does not seem to be so light anymore. My balcony saw confessions, and more tears than I could ever imagine. Never in a million years would I have seen it coming, poor balcony. You are now officially a stimuli for sad thoughts, vulnerability and damp morale. Friends open up to me, shared their weaknesses, their flaws and fears, all in effort to make me feel better, not alone in this winding road to self discovery. I began to wonder why songs seem to be oriented around similar themes.

Disco. Disco. Disconnect. 

I do not want to die, with regret. Neither do I want to die, holding on to something that is not mine. Nothing is mine, actually. But how do you continue living, one side of you completely cut-off and the other, flourishing. Indahnya hidup aku.. I began to google things like letting go, being grateful, and started to spring clean the house. Re-arranging all the Polaroids neatly, discarding old mail, junk, mopping around the house, with a wet rag and a vacuum. It does your soul wonders. Some people took time off, to do some soul searching. My friend told me to go back to my roots. Check out what He has to say to you since the day you were born. Al-Baqi. Do You hear me now?

F has been all but kind and loving. I noticed I have pushed him out of my mind of recent. To make way for new thoughts? I don't want to get them mixed up. The words that come out of your mouth when you are angry and frustrated. Can be so dangerous. I speak less, and I've eaten less. Stick to the usual routine. Keep yourself busy. Ironic but that is what he probably did some good years back. Do I confuse you? F knows, how broken I am now. He has been too kind, to let me say the things I did. Did God intentionally make you an occurrence, and not a constant?

Here's a toast. 

To the rekindled friendship - those who know me since school, keep reminding me who I truly am; 

the ones going strong - and have kindly observed me since back then;

the new ones that came out of nowhere - you keep me sane, and human.

Till death do us part.

Which, after, I hope I get to meet each one of you in the promised Garden of Eden.