In slumber. Alone

The house is quiet now, air condition vents moving up and down. Sweep, you say. I can hear distant key cards tapping as cars exit from the guard house below. Faint taps and motorcycles down the road next to the apartment. The night sleeps still.

When was the last time I was grant peace, and the bed all to myself? It feels selfish now, to have so much space. Alone. My thoughts lay out in front of me, from my now green bed to the living, uninterrupted - by pleas, balls rolling, or any other demanding bursts of energy. I am in worldy heaven. Alone.

I let my mind wander, through the curtains, the windows. Sliding between the wet clouds and fluff. Floating.. Dangerously far from gravity. I may stay afloat forever, denying the pull.

I wish I could still talk to you sometimes, you know?

***

Let's just say that there is always a full moon shining down on me though I never ask.

Goodnight, Kuala Lumpur.

Bisik bisik bilik

Maaf, aku memang tak berapa reti nak bercerita dalam bahasa Melayu. Ayat-ayat aku mesti penuh dengan kesalahan tatabahasa apetah lagi penggunaan perkataan yang ikut sedap tekak aku je.. Ya, sudah lama aku tidak mengarang dalam bahasa. Ah buat apa aku nak cuba sekarang? Does my English bother you? Don't worry. You will get used to it, the way I've gotten used to you smoking everyday.. Eh, lucu tak tajuk hasil tulisan hari ni? It was supposed to be bedroom whispers. Direct translation always cracks me up big time. 

Glad to see you smile again, Kin.

My english teacher used to be my elocution coach (public speaking) and she was married to my bahasa teacher ( read : syair dan sajak, pengsan sekarang pee in your panties panic attack setiap kali bahasa 2 waktu). The kids would always act out scenes from their bedroom, conversations cum arguments they would have about how poor my bahasa was vs how I excel in English. Heck, I excused myself from Bahasa to practise my speeches! Super lol.

My bedroom is the only room in the house which kept its original white walls, tranquil and serene. Its my favourite spot to sit and think, read a book, arrange my perfumes after Mika has had enough fun out of them.. Recently its the place where I speak to my Maker. Betul orang kata, masa bahagia, dunia ini bagaikan sangat mencukupi. Dalam erti kata lain, tidak ada apa pun yang akan diminta dariNya. Atau, sudah jarang berdoa.. Meminta agar sesuatu yang indah itu kekal. Bila jatuh ke dunia, baru lah rasa sakit, luka, pilu. Di saat itu kemain lagi tunduk pandang ke lantai, tadah tangan dan memohon ampun, petunjuk dariNya, a quick fix? Kenapa manusia diciptakan sebagai pelupa dan harus menangis? Aku selalu terkenang lagu Dewa. Ayat tadi itu lirik Dewa ke? Maaf, rip off pulak.

What is really bothering you Kin? 

It will be in these white walls, I sit, sprawled over my romantic bed while I blog about my thoughts.. Safe from sang arjuna cinta (cause he was wired an ignoramus chap and thats okay).. Safe from judging friends..and if I close my eyes long enough, I can hear my thoughts echo..off the walls, still without an answer..

***

I am no celebrity or artiste, but I do wish to dedicate this post to all my silent readers..odd people reading 1-2 pages at a go, some even more. Whatever it is you were looking for, I hope you found it. Peace, some quirky writings..and a little bit about my humble self. Thank you! ( and no, I have no clue who you are..your secret is safe with me haha).

Black Sands and Dark Shadows

This sadness that fills me every morning, is it meant to be here, God? Did you put it here for a reason? If it serves me no purpose other than remorse and regret, please take it away from me. Hide it. Bury it. Make it inaccessible to my thoughts. I've apologized to those I wronged, and I devote my life to You, now. It's a bit late to realize, that everyone and everything I have is just borrowed to me. Mika, please stay a while longer?

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. It has made me a bit more light hearted about the heavy topic. I think it is fair if I go, for him to find another. For Mika to continue to be happy. I've disconnected myself from people I used to treasure and believe was only meant for me. Mine. Some one once told me this heart was not even ours to begin with. He colors it for us, and plants love as well as ideas for us to take and grow on our own. If I blame it on evil whispers, will it make me feel any better?

Pantai Sepat was dark and empty that evening. I was so happy it felt like it was our own private beach. The romance I feel each time I set foot on a strip of beach, it is hard to explain. I don't think that many people know this about me. Mika loves the sand, trodding up and down the shore, walking close to the waves and screaming every time the waves came close. The slurry of sand sliding between his toes make him ticklish. He squeals and squirms, squeezing my hand in excitement. Mama loves you, baby. Grow up strong, and I will be there when someone breaks your heart. But please don't laugh too much, you cry a lot during your sleep when you do. 

Coldplay's Scientist haunts me..the wishful thinking that I could do things all over again. Fix things. Realize. I never would have imagined to learn something the hard way. Never never. Never. I did think I knew it all. The great determined one, finally failing..finally falling..finally.

I saw you the other day. You had on a dark shirt and your walk was the same. You looked good.  Tight faced, not even a slight twitch in the mouth to smile - or frown? Neither one of us knew it would come to this. You walked right past me, and I held my breath. Not to give anything away.

If God wanted me to bury it, I better start digging a deep, deep hole. Would I be lucky if I fell into the hole? It would be ironic and funny, actually. He would not be the one to laugh, she said.

Swimmers Paradise

(14 March 2006)

My baby and me,

Went out for a dip,

Bursting with glee,

We knew it'd be a wonderful trip!

We became like dolphins,

Playful in each other's company,

Mermaids,

              deep in the depths of the sea

Like pirates,

              fighting off other thieves

And like

             bandits,

Charging one another,

With make believe bullets,

                                        of love.

Chew~ chew~ chew~

Tired of lapping,

We stopped to witness,

Something exciting,

Yet calming with stillness

It was the sun setting,

Oozing bronze and gold in between,

Tells the time left behind,

Shall never be seen..

And so..

             Let us,

Splash, swoosh,  swim!