Missing U(tp)

Heated pavement walks, shaded rooftops sought, the bright sun. 
Sweat trickling down my back, cotton scarves, & a touch of lipgloss...

Wake up wake up, and drag myself out of bed. I struggled to find my placement in society during the first 2 years of uni. I was not sure what I was doing there. I made it through but it is still a blur. I knew what I liked, but I guess did not find the right people to jive with. Its not all about studying, you see, its the lack thereof that made it more fun. 

Early morning sky gazing, cheap foods heaped aplenty, chubby cheeks.

Notes shared and copied, field tracked, squash played, pool swam. Perfect skinned. 

The carefree days, could anyone replace? The torturous lab hours that went by in a daze, all I collected were song names to check out later on the intranet. I was a nobody. Among hoards of boys, I sought companion with the other remaining girls. The friendship has lasted me to this date. We'd swap papers during pop quizzes, refer to our well written notebooks and couldn't care less about coming to class early. Maybe we walk slow? Did we? 

Music made my world turn, decisions shorthanded, crazy outings. Adhoc was cool.

Distractions welcomed, trouble disregarded, beach, boys and cigarettes. 

Money was scarce, well at least I knew it wasn't my strongest trait. I didn't need much of it to be happy. Flipping through the old photos and videos I was a pretty happy kid. Laughing between sentences. Was life sweeter then? Or am I not stopping long enough to smell the roses. The city lights will swallow you.. 

Secrets kept, promises broken, lives entered. Exit.
Glances stolen, learning to love, true love? Bitter, cruel, soul. 

Melancholy infinite sadness, where only death can bring eternal peace you said. Boxes. Packed.

I'll make space for all of this, baggage. Sealed tight, close to my heart. If I revisit, do I skip this batch of photos? Or pretend you were not there?

21, 22, 23.. all but a distant memory.

I'm a believer2 you see

He left her to meet me, and I left him so that he could finally be with her again.  It was an epic tale coming straight out of a story book. Aisle #13 Young Adult Fiction. Played out for almost 10 years. The only reason we meet is so that we could part.

How is the lil Shikin? The one who used to sneak in kicap into the dormitories. What does she look like? I wonder if  where she is hiding in you now.

***

I ran yesterday, its been a few days since I last ran. Funny how before running you actually planned on what things to sort out in your brain while running. The only thing I managed was my off tempo breathing and the excruciating pain in my body as it cramped against the cold post rain weather.  So much for mental torture. Damned heels. It was the first time I cramped around my rib cage. Must be the lack of eating. 

The heart wants what the heart wants. Its time my heart went on a serious team building with my brain.

Ilham Ku

I've been knocked silly and inspired to write I hope the juices in my brain will not halt their flow and I can dump how mind blowing the past few days has been for me so that when I do grow old as a tree, I can read this blog and see how much I lived life. Even if it meant sitting in an office 8-5 and washing the dishes at night and driving the car alone (well not that often but you get my drift).

Dear Future Me,
You were a great person. Fret not. There is no use in doubting the present, so please don't stop yourself from living your future.

Love,
Present Me.

To forgive is not to forget..

I have so much I want to say and ask - but it is no longer my turn to do so. I seek your health when I see others, telepathically absorbing bits and pieces from around me. The last thing we need is interaction. 

You have travelled. Its a pretty awesome collection you have. Like you said, keep the photograph and still frames in your mind ..hang it on a shelf of good health and good times..

Happy birthday! and to all the future birthdays you will have with your loved ones. This will be the last time you hear from me. No matter what each one of us does, we cant change the fact that we were a big part of each others lives in our colorful youth.

I need to apologize sincerely for the past.. kerana Dia. Saya minta maaf. 

Please continue to travel, climb, ride, play music, be the cheeky monkey you are. Love. If we cross paths one day, you'd nod and we'd exchange a brief smile and keep walking..don't look back in anger.

Thank you for everything, I wish you success and eternal happiness wherever you may be. 

Goodnight, travel well 

- The Killers