plain stupid

he called today. the transmission was kind of rough. i could still tell it was him. he gave me a number to call. call me if you want to he said.

he must be just as crazy as i am.

i tried to call, but the number was too long. i kept getting the stupid lady who tells us that the number doesnt exist in the local system anymore. wtf.

i called people of knowledge. 103 they all said. telekom. where are you calling maam? i got through to ship to shores, which lead to an invalid 1-800 number. i called 103 again. more sarcasm from the operator. what was her problem?

i travelled the world with the house phone tonight. everwhere but there baby.

he called again.

wrong number luv, take this one. its a bit longer but i can try if you want. if i want. he has no clue how i am not holding up here.

before i broke down into unforgiveable tears, i travelled to the labuan port. ship offices in KL. you name it. half of his friends. stupid satellite phones.

he called for the last time.

its ok baby, i'll ask around how it really works. dont worry too much. hope you are doing fine. you have no idea.

i still have 2 slides to prepare for my stupid mentor.

stupid.stupid.

Where is my Root Radical

Oh what a stupid title. I miss my root radical. Whatever you may be. A serum. An antidote. Just gimme more.

I am having a really rough couple of days.

They cancelled my transfer to Duri, Indonesia and decided to put me in Oman. Godknowswhere la kan in the dessert.

My mentor is driving me nuts. Mama leaves for yemen on the 22nd. I am afraid I might not make it in time to see her. Shit.

***

Tunggu aku dengan senyum mu itu.

Into The Dark

We made a pact. It seemed reasonable. But it runs off the course we were taking. He's letting me go and leaving me with an all season pass. Come back anytime you are ready, he said.

***

It starts when he leaves on his ship. Soon.

Oh, sugar.

Like molten sugar in a pan, toffee. Cold water hardens it, to an almost freezing state and when the disarray is too much for the sugar to handle, it cracks. Clack.

That is how sudden gusts of wind makes me feel. Or simply put, when reality hits me smack center on my stupid forehead. All this while I believed that I had been walking in the dark guided well by my instincts. Perhaps God pities me and sends me small tokens of light to guide me along the way.

I felt that the fundamental of this ship was faulty. Dodgy even. We built our kingdom on principles of secrets. Tell me yours and I'll share you mine. Will you keep it?

Tonight I felt that I could not even bear to look you in the eye. Yes, I am avoiding you. You remind me that sometimes I feel what we have is so fucking fake. It is built on secrets mister. How else do you keep a secret other than telling more lies to those around you?

We argue in a myriad of language.

He speaks in poems. And I can only understand logic.
He claims he knows my heart. I question his presence.
He wants me to fall into him.

Sometimes there is no point in arguing with a believer.

***

"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you. But I’m afraid…