Into The Dark

We made a pact. It seemed reasonable. But it runs off the course we were taking. He's letting me go and leaving me with an all season pass. Come back anytime you are ready, he said.

***

It starts when he leaves on his ship. Soon.

Oh, sugar.

Like molten sugar in a pan, toffee. Cold water hardens it, to an almost freezing state and when the disarray is too much for the sugar to handle, it cracks. Clack.

That is how sudden gusts of wind makes me feel. Or simply put, when reality hits me smack center on my stupid forehead. All this while I believed that I had been walking in the dark guided well by my instincts. Perhaps God pities me and sends me small tokens of light to guide me along the way.

I felt that the fundamental of this ship was faulty. Dodgy even. We built our kingdom on principles of secrets. Tell me yours and I'll share you mine. Will you keep it?

Tonight I felt that I could not even bear to look you in the eye. Yes, I am avoiding you. You remind me that sometimes I feel what we have is so fucking fake. It is built on secrets mister. How else do you keep a secret other than telling more lies to those around you?

We argue in a myriad of language.

He speaks in poems. And I can only understand logic.
He claims he knows my heart. I question his presence.
He wants me to fall into him.

Sometimes there is no point in arguing with a believer.

***

"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you. But I’m afraid…

Selamat Hari Raya, 2007

Pagi raya, Kampung Kota, Rembau, Negeri Sembilan.

Kebetulan je semua ade baju hijau. Sumpah tak tipu. Didn't plan on having the whole family present for raya.

Tapi thn ni tade duit raye. Sbb dah keje. And gaji tak masok lg. So budak2 busuk sume tak salam aku. Betuahh.

All in the Family. At last, a propper picture! All my previous raya pics looked like ashrul and I were newlyweds or something. Ha ha ha.

My cousins. Thanks to Paktidin sbb sudi jd cameraman yg spottinggg.

.:Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin :.

angel(s)

There is no such thing as an angel. But there are angels. In plural. More than one. Angels you meet and dance with in a song for two. When the song is over, the angel leaves and you feel the dread of being alone seeping in slowly through your skin.

I have slowly lost my belief towards the existence of an ultimate sole one. They come and they go. You had one yesterday and praised her. She was your angel, then. And when she is gone you go on a search for another. This one is different, you say. Every passerby of your life who once bore the angel tag shall always be considered as one.

He has a fascination towards angels. Deep, soulfull and passionately attracted to the purity of wings and what it symbolizes.

‘You are my angel’, he’d say to me.

‘...after all the other previous ones that failed,’ I’d retaliate.

***

Angel walks, angel talks, angel sings and breathes.