Why so quiet?

This is a first. I am bothered by your absence. By the lack of news. By the worry it has resulted me in.

This is new for me. I don't normally mind. I have faith and I know. But I stretch my bedtime in case you would buzz.

I usually go for weeks, and I know.

My body is tired every day, from lack of sleep, from anxiety of wondering when you will call. My mind is exhausted, from thinking of clever ways to manipulate my own flesh and blood into giving me trouble-free mornings.

20th, you said. That's just 2 more days.

I have never felt this worried, and uncertain. 

Raising Mika

He has reached his 3 year mark a while back..and the realization that he is no longer a baby boy has hit me (finally?) Its like finding out how many things you have done wrong and then trying to be all clever in correcting it. But isn't that what parenting is all about? Now I wish I had more time... (as the excuses roll in).

We've had to transition him out of his babysitter's place as there was nothing constructive, character building nor beneficial other than the fact that someone is looking after him with much love and care. It was indeed time to send him off to playschool, where - toys are forbidden, candies a major no no, phones are non present and the telly was turned on after 4pm. Sounds like heaven!

The main challenge was getting him ready in the morning as 7 is just too early to pop him into the shower and expect him to co-operate in getting ready as he sees his playschool frocks laid out on the bed. He'd say no to everything, no school, no friends... but amazingly when asked why he doesn't want to go to school he would remain quiet and that tells me there is nothing really wrong with school itself. He just didn't want to conform to the schedule and tight routine we were laying out for him. Tough luck, kid.

Of course in an ideal world (like who doesn't want that?) is to drop our kids off by 9-10 am and pick them up after their mid-day nap at 2 or 3 even. Sorry but Mama has to work. Maybe some time in the future, we can have that luxury  - but then again, Mama does not run a daycare center. 

First few days, its been so entertaining to watch him. Comical even, please forgive me boy. He'd rant and be all sappy and pluck himself closely to me above the bump. Once we reached his school, he'd get out of the car, tow his bag and walk straight into the school's walkway and head on down to the shoe rack. Takes off his star wars crocs and parks them nicely in the small pigeon holes. And without looking out, he would trot on into class. Amazing! On some days we would be a bit late, and his friends would be out in the yard and on some occasions we'd have 1 or 2 of his friends call out his name. He'd totally ignore them and get out of the car the same way we've seen him do for the past few days. 

I've never had the chance to pick him up, so I do squeeze out the most I can from F and he seems to be most chirpy and positive when back from school. 

I trade off as many of the things that he favors for the things that are better for him. In hierarchy it would be :

1. Yogurt drinks with his medication - fed with spoon (on his request! Can you imagine the excitement?!)

2. Hot wheels or any toys with a trip to the movies 

3. Milk bottles with cleaning up his toys and or straight into bed 

4. Good behavior with a trip to the arcades (where he'll only really want to play about 2-3 games at max)

His doctor said that I am not doing him a favor by keeping him on the bottle as the milk really does not have that much benefit for him now. We have slowly cut down from 4-6 bottles a day to only 3. And totally eliminated the one before bed time. 

I do appreciate that some kids are easier than others, and some will take a bit more effort. Either way I never think that I am being cruel to them by denying them things they want, sooner or later they will get that and probably super super later they will agree with me or thank me even!

One of the trees

I am tired, of holding on to things that do not matter..

I used to get confused with meditation and self empowerment and chanting and praying. All of them seemed greyed out to a dark corner which I knew, if unprepared - I could easily get lost into. 

I do a lot of yoga, a lot (in my books) up till today at 21weeks. 

I'm trying out something new (who would've thought - never in a million years) and hopefully I can make this work for me. I've always loved teaching, hated the office stress and if I can empower more women to look after themselves while I'm at it - why not? 

Usually in class the instructors would lead us through a group meditation - he/she would convince us that we are perfect the way we are, and that now is the right time and here is the perfect place for us to be.. And then the challenge would come - he/she would ask us to choose something that is unnecessary in life, useless, and weighs us down for no reason - to let that root go, to free ourselves from worldly grasp that does us no good. 

And I would flunk, terribly.. For I loved the world (my world) just too much and I had wanted to get rid of my infatuation with pretty shiny things but was too weak to commit. Its so trivial it is embarassing for me to admit here.

I tried, really. 

I practised planting myself on terra firma. And when I find peace with myself, and chose something that I knew I could succeed to live without.. Slowly, loosening my grip, I let it go.

Let me sleep

Sometimes the heart calls for the most humanly basics - rest, love, respect.. 

I get puzzled and lost often when relating to society. Why we need to put others' needs ahead of ours. Shouldn't life be simple?

If everybody put themselves second, and everyone else as priority, then surely once in a while a poor soul would be wandering, alone and confused.

I never understood why it is such a crime to sleep when tired, eat when hungry and cry when upset. Why do we defy so much of the natural instincts - to create a stronger facade..

We are nothing close to being programmable. 

Let the robotics be left, to the robots..